A Definitive Ranking of Reality TV
This is important
I was always dismissive of reality tv. Sure, we watched Survivor and the Amazing Race growing up, but those didn’t really count. They were strategy games, not like all the crap that made everyone from New Jersey look bad.
Well, we told ourselves that. But there were less differences than we wanted to believe. The most interesting parts of Survivor were the relationships - who would ally with who, who would betray who, which people we thought were good or bad. Is that really so different from an episode of The Real Housewives?
Like, obviously there’s a big difference. But, at the same time, both shows are super relationship focused. Both draw viewers in by shifting the characters’ axes, creating new dynamics (and new conflicts).
All this is to say that Nadia has at least partially cultured me. Can’t say that I’d watch much of it on my own, but here’s my power rankings of the best and worst reality tv shows I’ve seen with her.
Honorable Mention: Sports
NBA, NFL, NCAA, etc.
Sports are absolutely reality tv! But I write about them all the time. They don’t really count. We’ll just put them to the side for now.
Tier 5: Pathetic
90 Day Fiancé (and its spinoffs1) - a show about failed green card marriages. Sometimes they fail because the American is a weird person who was only able to get married by finding someone desperate for citizenship. Sometimes they fail because the foreigner is a piece of shit who was willing to use and manipulate someone to get citizenship. Oftentimes, it’s both.
Tier 4: Exploitative Shit
Toddlers and Tiaras - kids are cute! It’s nice when their parents care about doing things together! But child pageants still creep me out - why are we teaching literal toddlers that they are judged based on their ability to look pretty for adults? And some of the parents are fine, like I can tell they’re trying their best even though I disagree with the methods, but some of them are deranged. Your kid should be napping, not posing on a stage!
Dance Moms - again, kids are cute! So why are we putting them through hell on national tv? Ranking little girls? Using them as weapons in wars against their moms? Abby Lee Miller is at least as evil as Eric Cartman, and the moms are how I would expect Regina George and the Plastics to act in some kind of timeskip sequel.
Kim of Queens - this is not nearly as egregious as T+T, but it’s still not great. Kim works with pre-teens and teenagers to teach them how to be pageant queens (hence the name). The good news is that she is a lot more uplifting, focuses a lot more on confidence than beauty, and is helping kids who actually want to be there. The bad news is that they’re still profiting off of minors riding an emotional roller coaster on tv. Not great.
Tier 3: Bad Trash
Too Hot to Handle - We all got sucked in during COVID. It was this or Tiger King! And the tiger people were too weird. But who can forget all the notable moments like… people immediately hooking up after being told the point of the game is to not touch each other. And then not really caring once they realized that the prize was so small it didn’t matter. The drama was forced and underwhelming, and the people were terrible, and it didn’t matter because there was nothing else to watch.
Tier 2: Good Trash
Below Deck - cool show, fun concept, great the first couple times you watch it, but very repetitive. You discover the guests, the cook almost fucks up, the crew have to pull it off down a person. Sometimes the guests are mad, but usually they’re happy. They always leave a sizable tip. And then the team goes out, gets blasted at a restaurant, get into a screaming match, get in trouble with the captain, and wake up and start over. Interesting to see the boat life, but tiring after a while.
Real Housewives of New Jersey - it’s amazing how long this show has been running. It’s one with real staying power, characters people understand. Teresa vs Melissa is always sure to start a lively debate. The only problem is that the relationships have gotten less interesting in recent years. You went from having real, wealthy families with real problems, to women who just wanted to get famous. There’s no serious talks, only yelling over each other. Still, there are funny moments, and I appreciate that.
Real Housewives of Salt Lake City - I like the main character in this one (Whitney). She’s a lot more subtle than Teresa Giudice. Meanwhile, the other women are twice as crazy as anyone in NJ. Must be a Mormon thing. I like that they don’t do quite as much as the screaming over each other, but they also don’t really pretend to like each other. More crocodile tears, more one-on-one drama. It’s a less iconic cast, but I kinda dig it.
Tier 1: So Good You Forget It’s Trash
Secret Lives of Mormon Wives - speaking of Mormons, these girls are crazy. They’re young and got famous for being on TikTok (and then swinging with each other). There was more insane reveals in the first episode than I’ve seen in full seasons of some of these other shows. The protagonist goes to jail? She gets pregnant despite not being married? They all seem to hate each other for real? Sign me up.
Temptation Island - a true classic from my college days. Couples go to a resort, sleep in a hotel with only people of the opposite gender. Can the 4 men with the 20 hot women resist temptation, or vice versa? It’s absurd and unfair, and it’s really hard to imagine the kinds of couples who would go on this show in the first place. Happy ending are rare, and they feel earned. The dynamic of trying to be a good person is also a nice change-up.
90 Day Fiancé has a legendarily bad roster of spinoffs. It’s got shows that keep up with the couples after they leave, shows where the couples who left the show watch other couples on the show and talk about it, shows where the couples who left the show have to come back and go on vacation together or just talk to the host about it… The amount of content they squeeze out of terrible people is impressive.