It’s been nearly a decade, and I can’t run from the truth any longer. No matter how much I try to deny it, my past is my past. Time runs short. My legs grow weary. The end approaches, drawing ever nigh. So I’ll just come out and say it:
Yes. I was the CUAB Bandit.
That’s right. A mystery that plagued Chapel Hill for years, and the answer was right in front of their noses.
I really did print out like a hundred flyers1 and tape them up all around campus in March of 2017 at like 2 am. Not only that - just like all the greats before me,2 I had the intelligence and foresight to document my own vandalism. I saw the photos earlier tonight and was inspired to share them with all of you:
Yes, that is me in a dark sweatshirt and flip-flops, the obvious uniform of any ne’er-do-well. That smile is the wicked grin of a political rogue, an agent of change much like Luigi Mangione or the Unabomber. You are looking face-to-face with the standard bearer of pure chaos, an uncontrollable force prepared to stop at nothing to spread its message and achieve its goals.
So what were those goals?
Well, uhhhh… something about the CUAB Presidential Election? When was it? Clearly, malfeasance was afoot, and someone needed to do something.
We didn’t really have a call to action, or even a way for someone to get in touch with us so that they could explain when the election was, but no matter! We were leaving a mark. Taking a stand.
I woke up the next day expecting shock and awe, definitely holding out a teensy bit of hope that the Daily Tar Heel somehow knew it was me and was going to interview me to figure out how I’d become so brave. Instead, it appeared that every sign had been torn down and tossed before anyone woke up.
A conspiracy was afoot. Was CUAB so afraid of their secret getting out? (CUAB, by the way, was the Carolina Union Activities Board, made up of students who allocated the union fees paid by all UNC students into different programs and events. I had become convinced that they were corrupt.)
Clearly, the anti-anti-CUAB contingency was strong. But we were stronger. More cunning.
We printed a new sign. One that was even more dangerous. The corruption was completely exposed, and it was only a matter of time before other students took action. As long as people figured out what we were talking, regardless of the confusing message and lack of call to action.
These were also unceremoniously torn down. So, I ask you, what did they want to hide?? Why was I silenced?
Ah, the light is shed. The $120,000 is the cost of Jubilee.3 Why did the cost go up so much in just 3 years? Someone needed to follow the money. 2Chainz had apparently performed in front of a tiny crowd because of the conflict with the Final Four. The rumor was that he had stopped the show early so the attendees could watch the game.
I definitely styled myself as a sort of Batman. I didn’t follow the rules, just swooped in and did what was needed to save the day. No matter that posters 3 also faced similar, torn down fates. All of these midnight campaigns were testaments to my resolve, physical proof that never again on our campus would the student body just sit by as a select group of students planned a big concert for everyone to enjoy. The horror!
Anyway, it’s a huge relief to finally get this off my chest. I hope that each of you can find it in your hearts to have some compassion for me and the mistakes I made. Weren’t you young once, too? Didn’t you have hare-brained schemes? Please don’t turn me into the feds. Or the Honor Court.
At least I didn’t do anything truly dumb like writing my own name somewhere.
Well, technically my buddy Amol printed them, if I remember correctly.
Namely Bart Simpson and Banksy.
UNC’s big spring concert. Typically not very popular, especially in 2017, when it was in direct conflict with UNC’s game against Oregon in the Final Four.
Thank you for your bravery. I didn’t realize we had such a vigilante hero in our midst. 🙏
Such a rapscallion!