During SNL’s 50th anniversary celebration, they showed a very dry and very striking sketch of John Belushi dancing on the graves of his old costars.1 Now, whenever I see Belushi, I think of Animal House, his raunchy National Lampoon flick about a down-on-its-luck fraternity. Specifically, I remember this scene:
Pinto and Flounder. Not exactly names that inspire terror, or even amusement. This is by design. Fraternity names (or, as we called them, “pledge names”) are meant to be a slightly embarrassing inside joke. You don’t tell your friends your pledge names - they wouldn’t understand them, anyway. A name is an internal moniker, another way for the older guys to sneak in a jab and assert their authority, another way to tie you to your brothers.
Now, in my fraternity, the names were a little more,,, personal.
Sure, I wouldn’t love to be called “Flounder” either, but at least they didn’t call him “Fluke”. To be fair, it could also be a commentary on body type, in which case they are getting a little mean. Maybe he does look a little like the flounder from SpongeBob???
Either way, I digress. The point is that the fraternity I had joined left no doubt about the intent of our pledge names. We collectively refused to share them with people outside the fraternity, not just because it was a rule; we all knew we would come off looking like jerks if they broke free from the boundaries of our group.
But, it’s been five years.2 And our old frat doesn’t really exist anymore.3 So, I’ll risk the anger of the brotherhood in order to publish a quality tale.
Without further ado, allow me to tell you about Abstain (me).
Abstain was a guy who was forced to exercise in a Chapel Hill basement on Sunday nights, documented his library hours using Snapchat timestamps, and wore a jacket and pants around on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He was a guy who had thought he’d be spending the semester as governor of his residence hall, just like he had during his freshman year, only to suffer a shocking electoral defeat.
Surprise! This pledge name had nothing to do with things like religion or alcohol consumption. It was a reference to a decision made by the majority of Connor Community voters (all 32ish of them) in August of 2017.
You see, I was running to be my dorm’s Community Governor, but I hadn’t really campaigned. This was because I was unopposed. Plus, I was busy! On top of classes, I was rushing the fraternity and helping my girlfriend (at the time) run her own campaign in her own community.4
A few days before the election, I put a couple posters up, only to find out that I had the approval rating of a post-debate Joe Biden.
So what? I said to myself. Not like anyone else is competing.
Well, on election night, I was waiting for the news that I had won. But it never came.
My girlfriend heard from the Residence Hall Association executive board around 8 pm. A friend of ours heard shortly after. But 9 o’clock came and went, and I had heard nothing. Something was clearly wrong.
You can tell where this is going. Somehow, more people had taken the time to vote “Abstain,” rather than vote for me. I had lost an election where I was the only candidate. I didn’t believe the RHA execs at first, eliciting an unfortunate exchange where they had to express their apologies while reassuring me that the votes were accurate and that there would be a re-run.5
To add insult to injury, I got disqualified from the re-run for having an RA help me with campaigning. Then I got rejected from the Community Government of the guy who actually won. A real fall from grace.
Bright side: I put my all into joining the fraternity, a community which I ended up truly loving. I’m glad I was pushed to try something outside of the RHA - after my successful freshman year, I was on track to devote all of my extracurricular time to it for the rest of my college career.
I also have a great story to tell - not many people have managed to fumble a guaranteed win this badly.
If you learn anything from this absurd tale, it should be that humility is a non-negotiable. Had I been less arrogant while campaigning, I probably would’ve stayed out of this mess. And it is definitely humbling to let friends and family know that, at one point, I was considered an inferior choice to no one at all.
By the way, highly recommend watching the show if you haven’t seen it. It was hilarious!
Holy shit.
The national organization re-opened our chapter this year, but it’s all new guys with their own culture and no connection with the old group.
This lack of focus probably hinted at me not being right for the job, but whatever.
Think of the same vibe as Shams Charania having to confirm he wasn’t hacked while reporting the Luka trade:
This is an incredible story. I guess it’s been a while, but still takes guts to share. Your vulnerability is appreciated.
Different in nature, but reminds me of how I *almost* lost my unopposed student senate race back in first year. Story for another day. Not as interesting as the Abstain saga anyway.